why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
