Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
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Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
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He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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