my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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