i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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