When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
