from now on my penis is your penis
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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