I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
