I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
my poor anus
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
