I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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