There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
