if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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