I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
