Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
