I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
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Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
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Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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