I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
