I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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