I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
a search helicopter?!
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He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
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There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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