if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You left your underwear on the fireplace
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
