i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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