ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
