It's like God shit irony all over that family
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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