mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
