and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
