Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
