Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
