id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
