im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
