Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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