Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
