i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
