woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
