i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
