Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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