There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
