I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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