there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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