Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
