im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
