If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
