shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
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