someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
