I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
