She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He has the fingertips of a God
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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