if you like me you must not know who I am
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
