his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
