You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
