got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
you never un-have a 4some
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
