Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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