Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
