i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
