Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Randomize
