I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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