I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
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Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
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Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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