I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
