dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
