there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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