Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
