I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Randomize
