porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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