Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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