When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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