As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
