My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
