Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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