how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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